A Journey Back to Belonging? Maybe.
You know as a God-bod, when you feel something shift? It’s like something internal unlocks or is in some way opened. I don’t mean it’s opened fully or that life is forever radically changed. Instead, I’m talking of a much smaller opening than that. It’s more like being able to see a crazily bright crack of light through the edge of a door frame.
Anyway, that. It’s happened. It’s been happening for a while but has been sped up by hearing one person preach online.
Contextually, I’ve listened to hundreds of sermons in my life. Depending on my life at the time or my level of involvement in whatever, or indeed, dependent on my mindset, I have had varying levels of engagement with what I have heard. The ‘blame’ or (less harshly) the ‘reason’ for that has always stemmed with me and is not a judgement about what I have heard, who was saying it or the content of what they were saying. Clearly, the reality is that no one has a clear perspective on all that ‘is’. However, the peculiar thing is that there has been a significant shift in my engagement and this person has been a significant contributor.
I have been ‘out of church’ for about five years and have been shallow-breathing and hiding for all that time. In my core, I know that it is time for that to change. It was my choice to ‘step back’. I have my reasons which are near-equally weighted. 1. I seem to be some kind of catalyst or instigator of (what could be termed as) ‘trouble’ of varying kinds. And 2. I have evidence of me being repeatedly unsafe within churches. Those two things possibly haven’t changed and yet I do have an internal shift, which I’m currently viewing as healthy.
In response, and whether it be due to a Holy Spirit nudge or a nudge of my own doing is not fully relevant, and we’ll never know anyway, not for sure…if indeed the two can be neatly separated anyway... I went to a local church that is part of a denomination I belonged to in what feels like a previous life. Did I cope with being there? Yes. I only went 3 times, but yes. Beautiful people. They were welcoming. They collectively seemed to have a genuine desire to be God’s people in the world. They demonstrated their care for the world and their willingness to serve. All good.
Why did I stop going after only three visits? Because it felt familiar, it felt comfortable, and it was as if I was dipping a tiny toe into the ‘return to church’ journey. With my propensity of being an all or nothing person, that wasn’t going to work for long. In my heart of hearts, I knew I was still hiding and if I’m going to come out of hiding, there’s little point in still half-hiding (I suggested to self). So, I stopped going for what I guessed might be the next ‘re-group’.
Last week, I was introduced to a lady who exudes life. I saw her online in a live streamed service and intentionally didn’t give it too much time or focus. However, she impacted me (in a good way). It then took me 6 days to build up to listening to her full ‘preach’. The woman is an inspiration, and this is not an elevation of a person, but of Who is (I think) fuelling the person.
As God’s, are we not called to inspire, to give life, to shine, to demonstrate by who and how we are that we are His? Is that pressure? No, because it is just who we are as His, right? She was doing that in how and what she spoke. Fully human, fully failing, fully His, fully on a journey of learning, fully open to what is next (and approaching that with caution aware that God is not about our comfort but about our best).
I have been finding myself fully fed up when people seem to be attempting to use God as a vending machine, as will be evident from some of my prior writings. Is He any less God if outcomes don’t align with our wishes? Of course not! And it’s (in my view) ridiculous to think God must give us all we think we want.
She (the woman I’ve just remotely encountered) lives like she knows God isn't about her comfort and she shows it as she breathes. Again, this is not an elevation of a person, just an initial seeing of a person who is His.
I’ve spent A LOT of time with preachers, worship leaders and Christians of all kinds, in all roles, who seem to believe God wants us to be ‘happy’ as if that were a destination rather than something that can be experienced in any and every circumstance (as per James 1). It makes me mad when I feel like scripture is being twisted to suit our human thinking rather than our human thinking being transformed (Romans 12 style) by scripture – and I write all of this whilst being very aware I’m early on in any journey of this kind. When He is given extra thanks when the outcome is as we wish, I get internally mad (I need to work on my responses, I realise that!). When no thanks is given for the seemingly less than brilliant occurrences in life, I am also annoyed. Will we always understand what is going on in life? Of course not! Do we still have much to be thankful for, even if it is just about what comes after life on Earth? Errrr, yes!
I'll step back from my rant that I slipped into. Oooooops. So, as I mentioned previously, my responses to sermons or 'talks' I’ve heard are not in judgement of anyone else or what they have preached, because the responses sit with me and so are impacted by my mindset towards them. However, I have not been inspired by anything I have heard for more than five years, and yet now, something has re-ignited internally. All as a consequence of one person and one 'talk'.
I’m writing about it here because it is a ‘now thing’. Also, I found myself typing (let’s call them) ‘thought streams’ to one who probably doesn’t need that role, and so I felt it was better to pop my typed words here. I think I’ll keep you posted as this thing unfolds (if indeed there is anyone out there for whom this might be of any use or even interest to! And if not, no harm done and it’s my processing space… all good!).
I need to dash now (meaning respite for you approaches) as I have a concert to play in tonight and a rehearsal this afternoon. I need to pack my flute and piccolo before kick off. One thing before I go. My piccolo is so small, some might say insignificant. It is true that she is a tiny little thing. However, when played in the highest register, she is a powerful, powerful little beauty. Maybe there’s something in this piccolo fact that we might benefit from hearing. Who knows? We might be small, but just like the one woman I’ve heard preach on one occasion… our impact can be significant. We do not know the impact we have when we are His. And, we don’t need to. Laters.