A Walk of Faith

The journey back (potentially) to church isn’t yet happening. Is it time to wonder how can there be so many things in the way? Maybe. As I mentioned previously, I’m choosing to process via writing in this location.  

I have listened to more ‘talks’ (sermons) from the church I mentioned previously since my first inspiration from a lady there. It’s all scripturally grounded, for sure. I learnt from and connected with things her husband said too. He was (in my humble opinion, aware I know and see little) also fab; he was very real and clearly bored with the mundane repetition of how we can all get fixed in how we ‘do’ church. The couple are (it seems through my part-seeing) jointly trying to keep the thing alive, with their ears on anything they believe they are hearing from God, and with an awareness of the people they feel they’ve been called to pastor. I realise the ‘boredom’ of doing church in the same ways week in and week out can (and often does) spiral off into a pursuit of an intentional aim of trying to be different to other churches or being seen to be proactive. When that pathway is taken, everyone involved must choose to either join that aim or keep their own eyes fixed not on the vehicle (the church) but on the Who we focus on. One thing I am aware of is how I am in no position to judge anyone’s attitude other than my own, and just because I’ve witnessed and lived through that distraction before, it doesn’t mean these people are doing that.

My current twitching is more related to a seeming emphasis on the celebrations of evidences of the Holy Spirit, whether they be by visions, signs, wonders or miracles. I understand that it is something of significance to see and witness that which is supernatural. My hesitation, however, is fully connected to the intentional active pursuit of these manifestations of God in whatever format or way. Will God be any more God or any more powerful if He is seen through signs and wonders? Of course not. His status is unchanging, and He is Who He is irrespective of what any human sees, hears or experiences of Him. Right?

I do believe in miracles. I do believe people are healed by God. I do believe we can see visions, and I have done so myself. I do believe we can ‘hear’ God, and again, this is all very much within my own experience of my life with God. But I am fully and utterly uncomfortable with pursuing these ‘sightings’ as if I were on a hunt for proof of God. I don’t need such proof for many reasons, including that I know we are called to walk by faith and not by sight. I also know I will only ever see through the very subjective lens I see anything through.

If I were to consider where I might find evidences of God, each breath taken is evidence to me. Each plant that grows (and then dies) is evidence. Each rotation of the Earth is evidence. Each positive interaction or connection of whatever kind between any two human beings is evidence. Each act of kindness is evidence. I could go on, but if I do, this is going to be a long article and probably not many of us think we have time for that. I think we’d need to be dead, as in literally physically dead, to not see ever-present evidences in our Earth-lives of Who God is, as Creator and as the facilitator of life.

My other concern about this inevitable return to ‘the church’ is fully personal and not related to these people. I’ll write it here so it’s stated whilst being aware there is no way I will be the only one who has this fear. I am scared to again link with a people collective who have been involved (along with my part in each situation) caused me so much harm. Yes, I realise the collective is made of individuals and all of those are unique. Logically, not all of them will cause damage to me and anyway, I also know it isn’t all about me. However, I know in my ‘now’ I am humanly trying to manage effectively a trauma response to repeated instances of scenarios I’d rather learn from than walk into again. Without any need for dramatisation or over-exaggeration (or any woe-is-me-isms), I’m aware all humans carry damage of some kind or other, I also know that humans were created to be in relationship. I think I have learnt a lot about how people tend to link with me and about how I then misinterpret before I then fall into ridiculous behavioural patterns myself. With that in mind, maybe this fear shouldn’t even be a factor in my considerations. Simon knows of all this too. He is facilitating our lives now so that we have everything in place that is possible to have in place to ensure my brain and being is active enough and engaged enough to have a chance of keeping us all safe from me and any fallout following me slipping into ridiculousnesses, which is what has tended (intentional past tense usage) to happen when I’m not living life on a knife-edge.

My final processing thing about my re-engagement with the church is that Jesus wasn’t hugely positive about what the institution can become. His words to the Pharisees and Sadducees were direct and damning. I know that I have held (internally, if not always evident externally) attitudes and judgements that were very Pharisaical, and yet I thought my perspective was ‘right’ and my vision clear, even though we scripturally know we only see in part and prophesy in part (while was walk as if we’re all over this…which we’re not!). I am a little apprehensive about slipping back into that and becoming a bit too institutionalised while also recognising I’m probably still walking in that now, just differently.

All this stated, I’m more likely to re-enter a church than I was even a few weeks ago, and these are my current musings which I am writing whilst on a slow train into London. What am I doing on the slow train? Good question. Simon got the tickets, and we must go to South London first so he can drop off a painting to an artist friend, so maybe it’s fine. However, try putting a fast-moving autist who is currently constantly in some kind of hyper mode internally, onto a slow-moving train…and maybe the only way they won’t spontaneously combust is if you let them take their MacBook and type rapidly, as they are aware they are now procrastinating a project that’s on the go alongside the primary procrastination of the assignment that needs writing.

Everything is fine. Everything is fine. Everything is fine. :)

This weekend, I’ll attend the online service at the church of which I speak. That is my ‘next foot down’ plan.