This Partially Autistic Marriage
It's its own thing. That's for sure. We've recently had a marital shift in terms of how we work together and function within the home. This has been due to my return to full-time work, which I am now doing alongside my studies. Before the shift was made (and having failed less of a juggle previously - with 'blame', if any is needed (which it isn't), on both sides), we had the discussion (repeatedly) about if it was a possible juggle. Simon was adamant it was doable and that I must take all opportunities opening up to me. As soon as he tells me he thinks I can manage whatever it is, I feel the need to try. Consequently, we reassigned roles within the home (yes, it was fairly formalised - although, to be fair to myself, I didn't draw up a contract, which would imply I'm relatively relaxed about the whole experiment, right?!).
We have, at time of writing, completed 6 weeks of this current existence and he has covered so many jobs, including lunches, dinners, the cleaning, the washing of clothes and all manner of other things that I used to do. We knew it wouldn't be possible for me to take up the new work opportunity (currently averaging 55-hours per week added to the 18.5 hours per week of study) and maintain being the chores person. I still chip in, because I'm a control freak, but in real terms, he is holding the thing together.
The man is incredible. He could have got bored with having to deal with me dealing with myself for all these years, but no, he says he’s never bored. He could have got fed up with having to watch me and listen to me going through the same old scenarios repeatedly, but no, he (mostly) just hears me out while I must go over and over things trying to make sense of them. He has recognised that I need to be ridiculously active in my brain (as a way of my managing my thinking whilst giving my head enough else to focus on) and so has fully encouraged the recent life shifts. He is relentlessly calm (other than when he accidentally bangs his head, which seems to happen a lot – but that’s a different story).
He knows I live most of my existence in a state of being somewhat overwhelmed (in one way or another), but he makes no fuss about it and lets me navigate it in my way and time. I frequently ask, “Is everything okay?” And he replies, “Yes, babes.” I ask, “Am I in trouble?” and he responds, “No, babes.” I say, “I think I’ll stay home with you today” (when I’m anticipating not managing a day at work) and he says, “Okay, babes.”, fully aware that I’ll then get going and begin my morning routines that will lead into me getting into work and doing the things I do there. If I am a bit wobbly (in my inner girl), he’ll let me offer my forehead for him to kiss it three times, or I’ll stand next to him so he can give me a hug, and he won’t ever force any kind of physical contact on me.
I know I am super fortunate to have him as my husband. I know it. I don’t deserve him, that’s for sure. He, simply (I now realise), sometimes has to wait for me to catch up. If you saw us, you’d potentially believe I’m the one moving faster and achieving more, but that’s not true. We live very different existences while sharing an existence. The two existences are fully linked and fully distinct, weirdly. I often say I’d not managed without him if he wasn’t here, he says I’d be fine. I’m sure he must be frustrated with me frequently and in many ways, but he manages (somehow) to mostly protect me from seeing that.
Has our partially autistic marriage always been like this? Absolutely not. We've both been learning on the job. But it is how it is now (thankfully) and weirdly (maybe) it has also developed this way because of my often unusual relational links with other humans. A variety of different relational encounters with other humans have helped me see that, despite what I initially thought, I am more accepted, loved and safer here in this partially autistic marriage than I’ve ever previously realised. Maybe (this has also made me think) what is necessary for all humans, and especially those of us who are autistically wired, is that we have significant anchors in our lives. God is one for me. Unchanging. Present. True. Simon is another. Daniel (my son) is one. My sister is another one. How lucky am I? And when I stop wondering what is wrong with me (sometimes I'll tell you there's nothing 'wrong with' me and at others all I can see is 'wrong with me' things) and flip my focus onto who I do have and what I am living, I am more able to manage myself and the fallout of my navigations on the planet.
Will any partially autistic marriages out there in the big wide world look like others think they 'should' look from the outside looking in? I doubt it. But then again, from a different angle, find me a marriage of any combination of two people that simply works with no effort or looks how others believe it should look. It's (I now think) delusional for anyone on the outside of any marriage (or on the outside of any linking of two people in whatever context) to judge or say how it should be. There is no 'should'. The link between any two people is as unique as the individuals who form the link. Fully unique beings. Fully unique links. Fully unique marriages. Fully unique people connections. How liberating. And what a relief.