Seeking Guidance?

I’m on the return journey from a London trip and have been there in 30 degree heat, surrounded by people, in much noise and contextually this was after only 5 hours sleep because I was busy with a current project that is a procrastination from the assignment writing, which are all established strategies of self-management to mean I will get it all done and in time. However, those things aside, having watched myself today, I have thoughts.

I wasn’t really coping with (understatement) the heat, or the crowds, or the visual and audible sensory overloads. I didn’t make a fuss (and in such scenarios, I’m more likely to shut down rather than any other response), however, I was in full ‘manage self’ zone and Simon knew it. Walking through a demonstration involving many thousands of people in the centre of London, inadvertently moving in a different direction to at least 95% of the people there, amidst all the shouted insults directed at the nation’s decision makers, added to the intensity. I put my AirPods back in so I could have an element of control as to what I was being exposed to through at least one of my senses.

I could feel myself locking myself away to try to cope with the overload of empathy I have for those suffering in the places being demonstrated about, those living on the streets in London and others I walked past who clearly are connected to difficult life circumstances and hideous scenarios, always involving people being cruel and harmful towards other people. I know to try to take control over one of my physical senses when inside the levels of overload I was navigating. If I don’t, emotion kicks in – usually only internal (even if tears fall, I won’t sob despite that being how I feel at the time) and the intensity of that simply adds to the mix. It was all too much and I knew it.

However, when it’s not about me and my survival and my navigation of the context at the time, I can far more easily manage and cope with pretty much anything.

When I am in my classroom in the heat, I don’t even consider how it is impacting me. It even goes as far as me fully and genuinely forgetting to drink water. I’m not negatively affected by anything that happens (behaviourally) with the children, however ‘interesting’ it might be at any given time. Why? Because my focus is not on self. My focus and attention is needed elsewhere to benefit small people who are not me. I must recognise the one child who needs to know they will have a chance to speak but who also needs to learn they sometimes need to wait, while finding ways to help another child engage using different techniques and strategies to support them. This happens as I intentionally maintain my mindset that whatever behaviours I see or happen in the room, I will be remaining calm whilst aiming to keep pace in the lesson, ensuring I’m answering open questions where possible, and celebrating the successes of those who sometimes feel invisible in class because they’re the quiet ones.

Do I notice that I’m hot? Yes, but it doesn’t ‘take over’ in the way it would when my focus is on self. Do I notice the other sensory bombardments that are present and inevitable in any school for most of the time? Not in the same way as the London experience I've mentioned. I can observe it all, yes, but it's a different perspective which is in so many ways protective. I have a purpose beyond myself when in any school. It is not only a service to others but as a by-product also acts as an aid to self-management.

Conversely, when I observe those whose focus is what they experience, on how it feels for them, on what is difficult; as I witness people primarily looking at the challenges they face in each moment and the barriers they have, I think I see them making their battles harder for themselves. I am not against awareness and reasonable adjustments in the workplace where that is appropriate and doesn’t interfere with the aim of whatever the organisation or workplace is needing to achieve. This isn’t against that stance or consideration. But it is against the mindset that just because we are autistic, we need people to understand our difficulties or adjust to our needs so that our experiences are improved. We do not need their understanding or even really their consideration. If we rely on the understanding or consideration of others, we will inevitably be mostly disappointed, and we will fail in any unspoken quest where effectively we are trying to control that which is outside of our control. How about, instead, we see what happens if we take our focus off ourselves and try to give to others what they need?

Of course, sometimes, we will not be able to avoid that which comes at us unexpectedly and of course we will not positively navigate every scenario or situation positively. But one thing I know 100% for sure. If I had experienced exactly the same things in London as I did earlier today but I had a child with me who needed me to help them positively navigate it all, I would not have felt the intensity of ‘overwhelm’ that I did encounter. My focus would be outside of myself, I’d see my role and function as needing to help them, and I would be benefitting (as a by-product) from my support of another.  

What would happen if us autists turned our focus from the truly difficult was we often experience life and instead turned towards a proactive aim of helping someone else navigate their existence? How would our own experiences be altered as we focussed on ‘another’ human? I don’t know for sure, but from what I see of my own behaviours in various contexts, I am increasingly of the thinking that we autists can bring some good as we give and can personally benefit as we do so.

Is there research on it? Let me check. Stand by…

Okay. Interesting. I’m not going to suggest for a single second that there is a large evidence-base out there, as it is such an early avenue of research, however, it seems that there is some significant evidence that pro-social engagement for autistic people can help with emotional and sensory regulation. So, maybe I’m not barking up the wrong tree. (Oh my. Why would I bark, and why do so up a tree? And how could it then be the wrong tree? Dawn…back to the case in point.)

As we, the autists and the neurodiverse who are genuinely often in need, engage with pro-social actions (i.e. voluntarily helping, sharing with others, comforting others, cooperating with others, showing empathy, or developing (through action) some social connectedness), we not only potentially make the world a better and kinder place but we also (potentially) shift our focus from overwhelming internal states and towards (potentially) a more meaningful connection with other humans. Interesting.

I believe this strategy can work for children too. Not always and depending on how heightened they are at any given time, however, many a child has been able to self-regulate more readily when they have needed to look after the toy Kermit in my room because I have said that he is feeling anxious or isn't coping for some made up reason. Okay, my children are young and will run with this, but the principle works. Others have stepped up when their peers have needed them and suddenly what was too much for them is suddenly manageable. Eyes Off Self maybe will one day become a recognised strategy but whether it ever gets recognition or not, I'll continue to use it with self and the neurodiversites I link with in any context.