Seeking Guidance?

I’m back working in a school. The experience so far has reminded me of some things I had seen so many times before, but that I am learning about on a new level and in a new way.

What is it that I am seeing?

They know. Honestly, they know. Children have superbly sensitive perception abilities, even if they don’t have the language to explain what they know or how they know it. They know what your view of them is. They 100% know. They might not be able to articulate it, but that doesn’t stop them from knowing it!

Let’s focus on the negative side of our potential impact first and then we’ll shift to what we can do for them. When we are frustrated with a child (for whatever reason), they know. When we feel they aren’t trying hard enough, they will feel like they’re failing. When we are busy with other things, they feel like they’re in the way. When we do not value them, they forget how to value themselves.

When they are bored of being nagged, they (mostly) won’t put in more effort. Instead, they’re more likely to find ways to avoid having to face whatever it is we want them to get better at.

I believe, from what I have witnessed, that all children, whether they have additional identified special needs or not, are so sensitive about failing. Many fear failure. Some have discovered that a way to avoid failing, is to not try. For others, they know it is an effective strategy to distract attention away from the task by exhibiting other behaviours that they have previously found to be effective as a diversion. Fair play to them. If a strategy works, use it.

How can we help build up our children in terms of their confidence and view of self (from either a professional perspective or when thinking about those in our families)?

Firstly, we must realise they need us. We are the adults. They are the children. They need us to be people who are looking out for them. They need us to be actively helping them to learn how to grow more into who they are and who they will be (including, but not limited to, all who have a labelled 'need').

We would do well to begin to discover and be aware of their individual triggers. What is it that came just before behaviours were witnessed? Did they feel crushed or exposed or suddenly insecure? More often than not, I suggest they probably did. You feel like they are ‘just’ looking for a reaction? They probably are looking for a reaction but not ‘just’ that. Often, underneath the layers and the behavioural presentation, they are simply metaphorically (or literally) crying out for help. Oh yes, they might have got into a habit of poor behaviour choices, and that might be annoying, but the starting point would likely have been some level of insecurity or other. Many things trigger behavioural responses and sometimes they can be avoided, however, I am certain that isn't always the healthiest way forward.

I firmly believe we must not attempt to avoid all triggers for a child. It is our role to help prepare them for the real world where triggers for them will always be present in one way or another. Instead of avoidance, I believe we must find ways to sensitively and gently expose them (at the appropriate times) to their triggers so they (with support) can learn skills to overcome them. As they learn to overcome the things they find hard and celebrate every success they have regarding that, we are teaching them to metaphorically grow their own food (and so have the skills to continue to grow and develop and feed themselves) rather than us putting processed food into their waiting open mouths, whilst at the same time we attempt to steer them round something they might find initially tricky to navigate. We need to recognise our part in helping our children to be independent and confident.

So, Dawn, you’re saying we need to encourage them? Yes, we do. However, here comes a caution. Can we tell a child that they have produced something amazing when they haven’t yet? Please don’t. They will know it’s a lie anyway. However, can we set them up to succeed? Yes, we can. As teachers we can, and as parents or carers we can. Small wins lead to bigger wins. Small learning steps and successes, lead to bigger learning steps and successes. Will we need to be creative and inventive? Yes. It won't be boring. Will we keep needing to find new ways to help them succeed? Yes, we will. 

Alongside all that, let's dip back into this perception superpower that children have which cannot be ignored. If we think that providing learning opportunities they can succeed in is enough, we're deluded. It isn't enough. It's not even close to enough. (Sorry. Not sorry.) As we proactively learn to genuinely appreciate each child as an individual; as we find the good in them; as we become their champion who speaks well of them and finds ways to help them succeed; as we praise them for the good and as they hear us speak positively about them to others; as we are fully consistent, measured and positive in our words and actions; as we also speak positively about other people in their hearing, we will help them build more confidence in who they are. We will help them to grow more confident, and this will enable them to approach learning in a healthier way, with less fear of ‘failure’.

When asked, all the children I teach will say they know that mistakes help them to learn. They say it and yet I witness their dislike of whichever colour highlighter it is that means there’s a correction needed. Each correction comes with a verbal reminder from me that it’s okay to fail and it’s okay to try again. In fact, it is essential. Will they live like that’s true? No. Not a chance of it. Not yet. But over time, they’ll experience the truth of it. Over time, as we point out the successes they’ve had, they will build on those. As we remind them of something they used to find difficult, but they can now do, they will know we’re telling the truth because they’ve lived it.

We can help them. It is vital that we do. Will we get it right every time? Of course not. And that is all fine and good and right.  

s previously mentioned, all children have such a high level of (usually very accurate) perception. They know. They know if you value them and if you genuinely appreciate them for who they are. They know if you are pleased to see them. They know when they see a fake smile or a sense of anything negative. What we ‘give off’ is even more important than what we say or do or teach or facilitate. (All views my own.)

It's amazing to be back in a school and I’m so grateful to the phenomenal Head who gave me the opportunity to do so. Don’t get me wrong, children are hard work. No one can refute that. And schools are crazy places! There's no avoiding that. But the privilege of working in one and trying to help children to learn to value themselves and each other as they learn and grow is a hugely humongous thing. It’s exhausting sometimes (read 'often'), yes. But they need us, and we can make a positive difference for them. We can.

But Dawn, I can hardly manage dealing with myself, never mind the children you say need me. That’s okay. Watch what happens as you focus on what you can do for them instead of what it is you think you need. Watch how that impacts how you manage yourself. Try it, if you choose to. No need to take my word for it.